Last year we did a Post-Mortem Reject Analysis for someone after Round 1 decisions did not go as expected. This person was a reapplicant; they had tried the year before, and then the reapp was also rejected. Here’s part of what we said after some back-and-forth questions once they got our assessment and were questioning some of the reasons that we laid out as causative factors for why they weren’t getting interview invites.

Finally — and this is likely not going to be easy to hear: There was an episode related by your recommender where he gave you feedback and you argued with him. [in the Post Mortem, BSers send in their entire app package, including LORs if they have them — which technically they’re not supposed to, but many applicants do] That type of debating seems to be part of your make-up — and it’s a positive thing! But taken to extremes, it can keep you from the greatest successes in life, which involve personal growth and the evolution of the self. We only mention that because a) the schools care a lot about EQ, and that story demonstrates the opposite; and b) it mirrors our own experience of interacting with you. Every time we assert something about why things haven’t gone your way, we get all this pushback from you with reasons why or questions about how we came to such conclusions.

We gave our professional view of your application in a detailed written report; we reviewed not only your current app but also the original one too. And the reaction seemed to be to question everything we said and push back, instead of using the opportunity to reflect on where we may have offered advice that could be useful to change and to grow.

We get it, this process is HORRIBLE! We’re telling you how things were screwed up and you apparently did everything wrong — and this stuff is so personal! It’s only natural to be defensive about it. We know you put in a lot of work on both applications, and we can see you’ve been successful in life, and are doing interesting things. But that’s not really the point. Learning to be open to feedback is a fundamental first step in making the most of this precious incarnation. Hopefully these comments are received in the way they were intended: To help you.

Notably, this individual’s attitude in interactions with us from this point forward changed completely. It was really quite wonderful to work with them thereafter. It appeared that they heard what we said in the way we intended it: constructive criticism.

Sometimes BSers don’t — and, we acknowledge, sometimes we lack the skill in delivering it in the way that it can be received.

Or put it more accurately: Sometimes we say things in a sh!tty way that we regret. When that happens, we try to re-do it, but it’s always a source of regret.

And, sometimes, we know that people get triggered.

It can be really hard not to think that we’re calling your baby ugly. (Because sometimes, err, well, sorta we are.) This process is so personal. You’re laying all of yourself on the line. You’re trying to jump through all these hoops that the schools have laid out for you. It’s beyond stressful, especially when the stakes are so high.

Getting feedback is just one of those things in life. Pretty much 100% of the time, in the moment when you hear it, it SUCKS.

Everybody gets defensive. It’s the natural mechanism that we’ve all been taught within our psyches.

The trick is, a) KNOW that this will happen – that you’ll get defensive, and b) find a way to manage yourself in that moment, to let it pass, and c) resolve to come back again later and spend time with the feedback when those emotions aren’t running so high.

We hear over and over again from BSers that this is what they have to learn how to do, and when they do, that’s where they discover the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Here’s an excerpt from a review posted by a Success Story BSer after working with us last year:

Just one piece of advice to the brave supplicants -“take EssaySnark’s criticism POSITIVELY and that will do the magic for you. Cry, get over it, and start working on their comments – seriously!!”.

 
 
That’s like the best review we’ve ever gotten. Because it’s from someone who clearly “gets it” – that all we’re doing, when ripping your materials to shreds, is showing you what’s not working, and pointing the path to improvement.

There’s nothing in life better than seeing a report of an admissions success. We want ALL OF YOU to be receiving such happy news at the end of this process this year.

Please take everything we say to you with that in mind. We’re not telling you that you suck. We’re saying that the essay needs work, and that there are skills you can learn to make it better.

When ANYBODY gets feedback about ANYTHING that they care about, it’s personal. It’s just how the human brain is wired. Or maybe more precisely, the reptilian part of your human brain. Your amygdala, to be exact. That’s the part of the brain that deals with emotions, and that’s what’s triggered when we hear feedback, and what makes us get defensive.

Want to see how this works in other people?

Go read this . It’s a review of a high-end restaurant that recently opened in Washington, DC. You don’t have to read it in detail; you can skim it (unless you’re a foodie, of course, and then you might be more interested in the details of what the reviewer is saying).

Now, go here and read the first post. That second link is to an online chat where the food critic takes questions from anyone about stuff. We’ll go ahead and paste in what someone wrote about the restaurant review:

“One of my good friends is a line cook at Mirabelle. To cut a long story short he was pretty devastated last week when the review was published. From what I gather, the kitchen staff worship Frank and think he’s a genius. So they were understandably upset when the restaurant received less than 3 stars. I’m in a difficult situation. On the one hand he’s a good friend and I want to be supportive and side with him. On the other hand, I thought what you wrote was balanced, gave credit when credit was due, and was for the most part objective when it came to what you didn’t like. When I mention this to him he has had… lets just say animated responses. However, beneath the profanity he does make some counters: [details about the chef’s defenses removed for brevity]”

The food critic, Tom Seitsma, who we find to be very balanced in his reviews of these restaurants, and a genuine nice guy in how he interacts with the public on his chats, responded in part with this:

“[details about why the review was still accurate removed for brevity] Your chef pal probably does [not] want my advice, but the best thing to do in situations like this is to re-read the review — there’s lots that’s positive therein — and just keep striving to do the best work possible.”

That advice is spot-on and wonderful.

We invite you to read his review and see for yourself how it comes across. Do you see it as an attack? That’s how (apparently) the line chef did. Or do you see it as one person’s opinion — an obviously educated one, from someone who has a long history in that market and lots of experience with doing that type of review?

If you get feedback from the ‘Snark, we hope you’ll be able to see that in a similar light.

We may have to adopt the words of the food critic as the takeaway message we offer to all BSers:

When you get feedback saying your essays are not strong enough, then the best thing to do in situations like this is to re-read the review — there’s lots that’s positive therein — and just keep striving to do the best work possible.

That statement is usually followed up by:

“Hope it’s OK.”

And then the BSer proceeds to ask us their pressing question, often about low GPA / poor academics, or about not getting a recommendation from their current supervisor, or some other topic that’s covered a bunch of times on the website.

Well guess what.

It’s not OK.

What you’re saying is, “I’m lazy. Just spoonfeed me the answers.”

Or: “I’m busy. Much busier than you! My time is more important. It doesn’t matter that you already worked hard preparing answers to all of these questions to post on the site for me to research on my own. Just spoonfeed me the answers.”

Before you write this off as yet another of EssaySnark’s Get off my lawn! posts (of which there do seem to be a fair amount these days, don’t there?) please let us explain why this matters in the context of your MBA applications.

First, when you throw your hat in the ring for consideration for admission to a top business school, you’re essentially saying, “Hey! I am one of the best!”

Because it’s only the best who get in. Right?

So, EssaySnark’s definition of “the best” may be slightly different from yours, but our definition encompasses qualities and traits like motivated and self-directed and resourceful. Just to name a few.

Being able to leverage the resources already available to you, to do your own research and come up with your own answers (especially when the questions are, uh, kinda basic), well, all of that sounds like abilities that a capable candidate to a top MBA program would have.

Or if you don’t have those abilities, you better learn ’em quick. Bschool is not about spoonfeeding. It’s about drinking from a fire hose. You will be completely and totally overwhelmed if you’re not able to manage priorities, sift through extraneous data, find the nugget of usefulness, and apply it lickety split.

Here’s another example which thankfully does not occur all that often (but when it does… sigh):

A new BSer stumbles into Snarkville and signs up for something, and within a moment or two of their purchase, they email Team EssaySnark for help. “I can’t find such-and-such on your site.”

(We do have one unfortunate technical limitation on essaysnark.com which sometimes prevents new purchases from being made accessible to new clients and we’re not talking about the specific cases where that happens, which we try to minimize.)

Anyway, new BSer, email for help. Or another instance is where they buy the Essay Decimator service to get their essays reviewed, and they submit the essays but they skip the part about also submitting their profile information, so that we can do the holistic review that’s required. Or they buy the Reworking the Resume App Accelerator and they skip the “reworking” part and just send in the resume they already had on hand.

In each of these cases, much frustration and delay would be avoided if the person simply stopped to RTFM.

That’s “Read the F___ing Manual” — or in this case, the Directions.

Yeah there’s a lot to read on this site. We try to communicate everything you might possibly need in advance of making a purchase, and then we give you more to read as you’re working on your strategy.

Some of the bschool applications are pretty involved too. (Have you seen Cornell’s? Whoa.)

We know – because they tell us – that the admissions offices get email after email from applicants who are stressed out and panicking over something in the application – usually because they didn’t bother to read the instructions.

Why does that matter? Isn’t it OK to email the admissions department if you need help on the app?

Yes, of course it’s OK – but if you first took time to work the problem on your own, by actually reading what they have already produced for you, then it’s likely, in many cases, you would solve it by yourself. Without having to involve anyone else (and without the risk of sending a pushy-sounding, impatient, or otherwise not-handling-yourself-as-you-could-be email in – which, yes, will get added to your file in many cases).

These are all aspects of what’s called “emotional intelligence.”

The adcom only wants to admit adults to their program.

They don’t want high-maintenance – ohshitImissedtheFAFSAdeadline or whatever else it is people that they have to go fight fires for. There’s always going to be a handful but it’s nice when the administration can reduce that proactively.

Mistakes happen. Stressed-out BSers miss stuff. Nerves are raw when deadlines approach. But how you handle yourself in these situations – and the effort you expend on your own behalf to help make sure you don’t end up in the pressure cooker environment of OHCRAPDEADLINE!!! in the first place – these are positives that help you convince the adcom (and EssaySnark before the adcom even gets you) that you’re the type of candidate who will be a pleasure to have on board in their community.

Or, not.

 
 
 
ETA in response to the commenters: Please feel free to explore! Specifically, have you seen the link at the top that says “help”? There’s even a topic there on how to find stuff on the blahg. The sidebar has a list of historical posts by month (titled “See posts at this time in past years”) and there’s also a sign-up box to get the feed.