Chief Justice Roberts, President Carter, President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, fellow Americans, and people of the world: Thank you.

We, the citizens of Snarkville, are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild the essays and to restore their promise for all Brave Supplicants.
Together, we will determine the course of your essays and your apps for the season to come.

You will face challenges. You will confront hardships. But you will get the job done.

Every July Fourth, we gather on these steps to say the same thing: Get started on your essays.

Today’s ceremony, however, has very special meaning. Because today we are not merely transferring knowledge from one snarky blahgger in Snarkville out to the anonymous internet, but we are transferring knowledge to this computer screen, and giving it to you, the Brave Supplicants.

Starting right here, and right now, this moment is your moment: it belongs to you.

It belongs to everyone gathered here today and everyone watching all across Snarkville. This is your day. This is your celebration. And this, the United Snark of America, is your country.

What truly matters is not which school you choose to apply to, but whether those schools are excited by your essays. July 4th, 2017, will be remembered as the day that you became the ruler of your MBA app strategy. The forgotten BSers of our country will be forgotten no longer.

Adcoms want great applications for their schools, good GMAT scores for their classes, and good students for themselves. These are the just and reasonable demands of a righteous admissions office.

But for too many of our BSers, a different reality exists: Poorly written essays shoot down their chances. Unclear messaging clogs their drafts. Two-page resumes make the adcoms groan.

This essay carnage stops right here and stops right now.

We are one Snarkville — and BSers’ pain is our pain. Their dreams are our dreams; and their success will be our success. We share one heart, one home, and one glorious destiny.

The oath of office we take today is an oath of allegiance to all Brave Supplicants.

From this day forward, a new vision will govern your apps.

From this moment on, it’s going to be Good Essays First.

Every decision on schools, on stories, on examples, on optional essays, will be made to benefit your app strategy. We must protect our applications from the ravages of other readers reading them, making bad suggestions, swaying our judgment. Protection will lead to great prosperity and strength.

Reapplicants will start winning again, winning like never before.

We will build new strategy guides, and blahg posts, and App Accelerators, and Essay Decimators, all across our wonderful website.

We will get Brave Supplicants off of Facebook and back to work — rebuilding their essays with their hands and their labor.

We will seek friendship and goodwill with the adcoms of the world — but we do so with the understanding that it is the right of all BSers to put their own interests first.

We do not seek to impose our way of snark on anyone, but rather to let it shine as an example for everyone to follow.

At the bedrock of your essays will be a total allegiance to the Strategy of Authenticity, and through our loyalty to being honest, we will discover that yes, you are good enough to get in. With better essays.

We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreements honestly, but always pursue solidarity.

When Snarkville is united, Brave Supplicants are totally unstoppable.

Finally, we must think big and dream even bigger.

We will no longer accept BSers who are all talk and no action — constantly complaining but never doing anything about it.

The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action.

Do not let anyone tell you it cannot be done. No challenge can match the heart and fight and spirit of BSers.

We will not fail. Your applications will thrive and prosper again.

We stand at the birth of a new season, ready to unlock the mysteries of essay prompts, to free the adcoms from the miseries of bad writing, and to harness the energies, industries and technologies of tomorrow.

So to all BSers, in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, and from ocean to ocean, hear these words: You will never be unprepared again.

Your voice, your hopes, and your dreams will define your MBA destiny. And your courage and goodness and love will forever guide us along the way.
Together, we will make your essays strong again.

We will make essays wealthy again.

We will make essays proud again.

We will make essays safe again.

And yes, together, we will make your essays great again. Thank you. God bless you. And God bless America.