A lot of what we do here is coaching around essays, and today’s post may make some of you click away, thinking it’s insignificant. But it’s not.
Everything matters in an essay, and one of the best ways to succeed in life is sweating the details.
Here are two sentences pulled from a newspaper article about an unfortunate event.
This paragraph is from the first third:
[T]he grievously wounded woman, who soon died at a hospital was a police officer, too: Katlyn Alix, a 24-year-old Army veteran with two years on the force. And St. Louis authorities soon said she was killed by a colleague.
And here’s a paragraph about halfway through:
The bizarre shooting comes at a difficult time for the department, which is already under national scrutiny after four St. Louis officers were indicted by a federal grand jury in November in the brutal beating of a 22-year police veteran who had been posing as a protester during 2017 demonstrations over a fatal police shooting.
Here are your questions:
1. How old was the officer who had been shot?
2. How long had that officer served on the police force?
3. How old was the officer who was indicted?
4. How long had that officer served on the police force?
Do you see the issue?
Anyone want to comment on this? How would you write these two sentences to fix it? Let’s talk about it!