Today we’re looking at an actual honest-to-goodness essay that an intrepid Brave Supplicant has written for HBS, and sent in for us to look at and talk about here on the blahg!
In case you’re new in these parts, we’ve got this little thing on offer where, if you’re feeling especially courageous, and you’re willing to have your work semi-publicly analyzed (anonymously), you can send it in for consideration for a review here on the ol’ blahg. This is open to any current members of the site, which you must be, or you wouldn’t have access to be reading this post right now (thank you for buying something from us! your support lets the snark continue! it’s much appreciated that you’ve done so).
We got a Harvard essay submitted not long ago and wouldn’tchya know it, there was a spot in our calendar for today, so here we are. Blahgging about it!
Errrrr….. wait.
Are we?
Let’s back up.
So far, we’ve written 165 words or so. And we’ve said…. nearly nothing. All we did was tell you all about the opportunity to submit an essay for free review (which, if you’ve poked around here on the site before, you already knew about)… And we told you once or twice or three times that we’re going to talk about a Harvard essay today.
But have we actually started talking about it?
No.
And now we’re at 240 words, which is as long as some schools allow you to go for their entire essay.
And all we’ve done is introduce you to the idea that we’re gonna talk about something.
And by now you recognize that we’re trying to use this as, whaddyacall it? Oh yeah, a teaching moment.
Because here’s how this brave BSer’s Harvard essay opens up:
As you consider my candidacy, I’d like to convey some of the deeper motivations and inner thoughts that have informed my actions throughout my career. By sharing a few stories around decisions and achievements, I hope you’ll gain a clearer picture of the leadership qualities that I’ve gained and aspire to continue to develop at Harvard Business School.
The most pivotal, risky, rewarding decision I’ve made in my career thus far was to leave private equity to join a startup in 2017. After graduating from [good university] in 2016, I started at [firm] as an analyst. I believed that [firm] would provide me with broad industry exposure, give me hands-on interaction with management teams, and equip me with necessary business tools for later success. On all those counts, [firm] was the perfect place to learn. But, I always knew that my life’s ambition was not to climb the hierarchy of finance and become a partner at a private equity firm. No, I’ve always wanted to create something new in the world, to build something that will change the world for the better. With that in mind, it was always a matter of when to leave [firm] and for what opportunity.
Okay. So. What do we have so far?
Well, we have 200 words…. and we have…. nothing. 🙁
Such a bummer to say this, because in terms of the writing quality, it’s actually not bad. The individual sentences are clear; there’s no jargon; it is quite obviously a draft that this BSer spent significant time on.
But just like EssaySnark’s long and drawn-out introduction to the topic of today’s post, this BSer’s intro is long and drawn out… and doesn’t have any payoff.
Let’s take a step back. Go over those two paragraphs again, and ask yourself: What information are we getting about this person?
(No really. Go back and read them. Make a list of what you learn. That’s how you build the skillz, grasshopper.)
Okay, ready?
Here’s what we know after reading through that 2-paragraph opening:
- Graduated from [good university] in 2016
- Took job at PE firm
- Apparently left that firm a year later
- and… umm…
That’s it.
And guess what? All of that should be visible to a reader from a glance at the resume. So the HBS admissions reader already has that, or could get that super quickly. It’s not new information. It’s not a “what more” level of information. It’s rehashing the past.
That’s an awful lot of words to be just gearing up for your topic.
The entire first paragraph is just what is often termed by professional writers as throat-clearing — it’s not saying something, it’s getting ready to say something. The essay has not started yet. It’s just a brutally cold morning and you have a crappy heater on your old jalopy so you hustle out to the driveway 10 minutes before you’re planning to leave the house, to turn the thing on and get it warmed up before you have to slide your butt into the cold cold seat for your shivering drive to work.
(Obviously we’re into wandering say-nothing-land today!)
The other big problem here though? These two paragraphs have got some very lofty language — and the ENTIRETY OF THESE TWO PARAGRAPHS IS TELLING THE READER STUFF. This BSer is making claims. They are not SHOWING anything.
Show, don’t tell. The hardest skill to master in writing essays. (Outside all the other hard skills.)
The “telling” starts nearly straightaway: That whole first paragraph is telling the reader what the essay will be about. This is likely a leftover artifact from some misguided English teacher’s proclamations about “Tell ’em what you’re gonna tell ’em….”
No. Don’t do that. Just answer the essay question.
We can prove that the first paragraph is not adding anything with a simple experiment that you yourself will perform!
As a reminder, here’s the Harvard essay question:
“As we review your application, what more would you like us to know as we consider your candidacy for the Harvard Business School MBA Program?”
Now read this BSer’s essay written in answer to that — starting here:
The most pivotal, risky, rewarding decision I’ve made in my career thus far was to leave private equity to join a startup in 2017. After graduating from [good university] in 2016, I started at [firm] as an analyst. I believed that [firm] would provide me with broad industry exposure, give me hands-on interaction {blah blah blah)
Isn’t that a more powerful opening?
If you need to compare to the original, you can go back up top and read it as submitted.
Here’s a very practical tip: TRY CUTTING THE FIRST PARAGRAPH OF YOUR ESSAY.
Do you need it?
Maybe you do. Or maybe you do, but only starting with the second sentence.
This trick works in many contexts.
Most of us don’t know what we’re going to say until we start writing. That’s fine; it’s how the writing process works. But that doesn’t mean that the reader needs to be exposed to that messy process.
This is why revision is so important — and why you need to leave space from the time you write your first draft, and when you go back and look at it again, to see if it’s saying what you intended for it to say.
Alrighty, we’ve now taken up 1,000+ words of your life with this. We actually have lots (LOTS) more that could be said about these simple paragraphs (which we always do with our full-fledged Harvard Essay Decimator!! more details than most people even want! 🙂 Also very helpful — which we know this BSer has been leveraging, based on the non-rookie-level mistakes going on this submission — is the Harvard SnarkStategies Guide. This BSer is on the right track in trying to emphasize leadership for HBS. The problem is that we need to SEE the leadership — not be TOLD about it. (Which possibly the BSer did, but if it’s not in the first 2 paragraphs, then there’s a problem).
Are you writing essays this weekend? ‘Cuz we’ll be available to read and critique them, in case anyone wants a Speedy Review turnaround on their submissions!
And thank you to this BSer for being brave enough to send this in! (And for the nice note you included with it, too!) It’s not like an essay with a long-winded throat-clearing introduction will get an otherwise-awesome candidate rejected. But you have limited time with your admissions reader, and they have limited attention spans (especially at Harvard). The first paragraph needs to be where your actual essay begins. Maximize every moment, BSer.
Then it comes down to execution of the content strategy — and the proper presentation of examples that show leadership.
Did this BSer do that later on in the draft, starting on word 201 and onwards?
Honestly, we don’t know. We got too distracted by all the opportunities for improvement in those first two paragraphs and didn’t make it any further. 😕
Hit us up if we can help!
Tell us what you think.