EssaySnark

  • about
  • contact
  • help
  • sign up
  • login
CLICK FOR MORE!
  • Essay Questions
    • Harvard
    • Stanford
    • Wharton
    • Chicago Booth
    • Kellogg
    • MIT Sloan
    • Tuck
    • NYU Stern
    • Columbia
    • Yale SOM
    • Berkeley Haas
    • UVA Darden
    • Duke Fuqua
    • Michigan Ross
    • UCLA Anderson
    • Cornell
  • Strategy Guides
    • MBA Interviewing Guide
    • Getting Off the Waitlist
    • Applying in Round 3 mini-guide
    • Applying to European Business Schools
    • School-Specific MBA Application Guides
      • Columbia 2020 MBA Strategy Guide
      • Harvard 2020 MBA Strategy Guide
      • Kellogg 2020 MBA Strategy Guide
      • MIT Sloan 2020 MBA Strategy Guide
      • Chicago Booth 2020 MBA Strategy Guide
      • *MORE SCHOOL-SPECIFIC GUIDES HERE*
  • MBA Consulting
    • Free essay reviews
    • What stage are you in?
    • Military MBA
    • BIPOC Program
    • Testimonials & Reviews
    • Guest Posts
  • My SnarkCenter
    • My Strategy Guides
    • My Favorite Posts
    • Discounts & Offers

($) essay critique! Storytelling and the Darden MBA essay: “A time when your opinion evolved”

October 26, 2017 by EssaySnark - Discusses Darden 2 Comments

We’re still in catch-up mode, cleaning out the piles of junk mail sitting on the kitchen counter, sorting through the mounds of laundry that piled up in the corner, trying not to forget to pick up the dry cleaning when we’re out doing errands, and working diligently to knock out all the less-urgent but still-important commitments we’ve made to patient BSers who submitted an essay for consideration for a freebie review here on the blahg.

Today we have Darden! From a BSer who has likely already submitted in Round 1. Based on the quality of this essay, we’re thinking that there’s a good chance this person will be getting an interview invite this round. We don’t normally post “good” essays here on the site (you can read up on our policy about sample essays)

The Darden essay question is:

When preparing for class at Darden, students formulate an opinion on each case before meeting with their learning teams and class sections. When encountering different views and perspectives from their own, opinions frequently shift. Tell us about a time when your opinion evolved through discussions with others.

This essay requires that you tell a story about a specific thing that happened to you. Many schools want such a story in their essays; Yale’s “commitment” essay requires it, as does the first essay for Kellogg about how you have “demonstrated leadership”, and Berkeley’s question with the 6-word story needs one, too. These schools are all getting more and more creative in how they’re asking their questions, which means that there’s very little opportunity for re-use of content across schools (which is exactly what they are aiming for!! they want you to write specific to them).

However, the skills of telling the story that you build in working through the prompt for one of these schools will benefit you when it’s time to do another. There are two main requirements:

  1. What story are you telling? Is it a good fit to the question?
  2. How are you telling the story? Are you capturing the right details? Does it actually answer what they are asking?

These are separate skills; both are mandatory for a good essay for one of these questions. Frequently BSers try one topic and go to town in writing out the story, and when they submit it for review, we have to inform them that nope, we don’t really see it as fitting. (Pro Tip: This is where our Essay Ideas App Accelerator can be hugely beneficial!!)

Here’s how it starts.

“Do you know what you are asking me to do?”

It was 1:00 AM on a frigid February night in Western Pennsylvania. I was twenty-two, and after only eighteen months working in construction, I had been promoted to nighttime mechanical superintendent overseeing the installation of $37 million worth of mechanical and piping systems. This meant I designed the step-by-step construction plans for the union millwrights to follow and controlled where the men worked, what safety equipment they wore, and what tools they used. My word was final, and although these men had more experience than I had years of age, I tended to dismiss their advice as disingenuous or having ulterior motivation. In my mind, they had a cavalier attitude towards safety, quality, and budget, but if something went wrong, the blame was mine alone.

Rudy, my foreman, waited for an answer. He usually agreed with my plan for the work, but tonight he was angry.

Now you can probably see why we started off with the assertion that this BSer would likely get an interview!

To be clear: There are many ways that this could be significantly improved, from a purely execution standpoint.

But in terms of the content that’s being delivered in this first chunk of the essay, it’s done well. From reading this intro, we have confidence that this story is a fit to the question (though things can easily go sideways in the middle even when an essay starts well!).

What we learn in this intro is:

  1. The applicant worked in construction – which is obviously not the typical pre-MBA path (points for diversity!)
  2. The applicant was promoted fast in that job (points for achievement!)
  3. The applicant was cocky beyond belief when he got promoted 😀 (points for setting up a potentially interesting story!!)

So, where could this essay be improved?

The device of a cliffhanger opening – starting with the question “Do you know what you’re asking?” – is not the best.

That type of device is really commonly used and it’s almost never an effective one.

Why not?

Because the author is trying to manufacture suspense, and suspense does not belong in an essay.

Even though this essay requires a story, it is not a creative writing assignment.

The #1 objective for any essay for bschool is CLEAR COMMUNICATION.

This implementation of the question -> explanation sequence is not the worst in the world but we still don’t care for it. The reader has to read A LOT of the essay to figure things out, and the biggest problem is that WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO SAID THIS TO WHOM. That wasn’t ever clear — not even after re-reading the opening 3x. Did the cocky construction manager writer who is narrating the story say this? Or did Rudy the Foreman say it? The reader simply does not know until much later. This type of confusion is NOT GOOD for the reader to be experiencing.

Does this make for an #essayfail? No, not at all. It’s just gimmicky and unhelpful. It’s not furthering your objective of clear communication.

The other non-optimized piece here: That first main paragraph has a helluvalotta info in it. That’s a lot to take in. It’s clearly written, and the sentences are short, which are very very important – but it’s still not entirely simple to read through and figure things out. This essay requires several go-arounds to make sure we’re getting the gist of it all.

What could fix that?

Fix the timewarping.

This BSer could’ve written the same information like this:

When I was 22, I was working in construction in Western Pennsylvania. I’d been promoted to nighttime mechanical superintendent after only 18 months. One frigid night in February, I was overseeing the installation of $37 million worth of mechanical and piping systems. This meant I designed the step-by-step construction plans for the union millwrights to follow and controlled where the men worked, what safety equipment they wore, and what tools they used. Rudy, my foreman, usually agreed with my plan, but tonight he was angry. My word was final, and although these men had more experience than I had years of age, I tended to dismiss their advice as disingenuous or having ulterior motivation. In my mind, they had a cavalier attitude towards safety, quality, and budget, but if something went wrong, the blame was mine alone.

Rudy said, “Do you know what you are asking me to do?”

There’s still further ways that this could be optimized, but that rearranging would make it easier on the reader. It presents the same information, just differently: The reader who is new to this content can move quickly through and there’s less risk of stumbling.

You’ll notice that crossed-out section; the phrase “union millwrights” is OK but not great. It’s not a standard phrase that most readers encounter in everyday speech, and it’s one of those things that, yes, it’s clear, but no, it’s probably not. It creates a speedbump for the reader. And it’s not necessary. The reader knows you’re talking about construction workers. If you want to make it clear that’s union guys, then maybe you can say that, but it’s not really core to the story. The last part of that sentence refers to the “men” which is sufficient.

As you can see, these are all finetuning and small tweaks. The big advantage that this BSer has is the storytelling skills are sound. They have set up the situation well with the statement about being dismissive, and that his word was final. That’s clearly hinting at where the conflict will come. As an opening, this is great.

BUT!!!

Where is the “opinion”?

The BSer has stated that he is stubborn.

He had a particular attitude in how he worked with these men.

Is that an “opinion”?

He does go on to show how he realized he was wrong, and the discussion offered in the rest of the essay captures the way he changed his thinking. So to that extent, yes, it’s a fit.

But….. we’re left feeling like, dunno, is it really a fit to this question?

The execution on such a story always comes down to where you present the discussion and how that influenced you. We cannot say with certainty if this story is the best one for this person to present. Is it good? Sure. Is it the best? Hmmm.

A story when you were 22 might be fine; or, it might be too dated. All of these factors need to come into play when you evaluate the strength of a topic for a particular essay question. It depends on what it’s able to convey about your candidacy overall. Never lose sight of the fact that you’re presenting your qualifications for business school. A story that captures some extremely differentiated part of your profile might be a fabulous choice, or, a different topic could sometimes be much better, if you’re already showing that differentiated element through the resume. (We’re not saying that as a way to second-guess this BSer’s choice of topic; we’re just trying to be thorough and help you see all the angles that must be brought into consideration with strategy!!!)

If this BSer is still around, we hope we’ll hear an update of how they have done with the apps so far in this cycle!!!

For any of you others, now is an EXCELLENT time to hit us up for consideration of a freebie essay review of your own. We won’t be able to do these in the crush of Round 2 at the end of December, so take advantage of it now if you’re interested! We have at least one or two others awaiting comment which came in late in Round 1, and we hope to also be looking at those soon.

 

 
 
 

Want to know more on how to approach your Darden MBA application?
EssaySnark's Darden 2017 MBA Essay Guide


Filed Under: essay critique, writing essays Tagged With: storytelling Bschools: Darden

« Previous: Quote of the Day
Next: A BSer’s Journey: Round 1 Update! »

So who the heck is EssaySnark, anyway?!

We're the snarky experts in MBA admissions!

Sometimes amused and often appalled by what candidates write in their MBA applications to top bschools, EssaySnark created this little blahg to share common mistakes. Learn from them and avoid making admissions directors laugh (or want to hurl) when they read your essays. If you are hoping to have your essay reviewed anonymously on the blahg for free, submit it for consideration.

Want EssaySnark's personal assistance with your MBA applications? Start with our menu of consulting services and please read the Help FAQ to learn how we operate. Still have questions after doing all that? Email Team EssaySnark at gethelpnow at essaysnark dot com.

Good luck on your apps, Brave Supplicant!

Here's what others have said about this:

  1. Jackstack says

    October 26, 2017 at 9:05 pm

    WOW! Thank you for the feedback ES!!

    Am I still around? I’m a daily reader! Love the blahg and I’m a ES evangelist on the forums.

    I think you are 100% spot on, I don’t clearly establish an opinion here in the first paragraph, and risk losing the reader. I think in my effort to “paint a scene”, I got a little too cute and was channeling an inner Hemingway (But perhaps I should have remembered Ernest never went to bschool).

    As for me, with this particular essay, I just felt that I couldn’t get it to where I wanted it by UVA Rd. 1, so I decided to push to Rd. 2. While I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time, ES’s comments here really cut through the fluff and help assuage the gut feeling of the essay not being ready for primetime.

    So while I haven’t applied yet to UVA, I did, however, submit this essay for the “Jefferson Fellowship” with my resume and profile. I received an interview invite for that this past week.

    So, while it is not as successful as an ADMISSIONS interview to Darden, I was able to find some success. My hope is that by revising it with this feedback – and taking the spirit of this feedback in my revision of the rest of the essay – I can hopefully land the REAL interview.

    Best of luck to everyone else! If anyone has any questions about this essay, I’m happy to answer!

    -Jack

    Reply
    • essaysnark says

      October 27, 2017 at 12:17 pm

      @Jackstack, how awesome that you are already interviewing for the fellowship, and so cool that this came in time for you to use it for Darden app!! Sounds like your instincts are spot-on, and the decision to hold back from Round 1 was the right one (not that the original draft we saw was all that bad, but still, if you’re feeling it ain’t there yet, then that’s what Round 2 is for!!!). Your progress with the Jefferson fellowship is most certainly a success already. Thanks also for hanging out with us through the whole process, it’s great to know you’re around and we’re glad we got this up for you and hopefully others to benefit. You obviously gave us a lot to write about, and in a GOOD way this time!! Thanks for the contribution, we appreciate it.

      EssaySnark

      Reply

Tell us what you think. Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Sign up for the 'Snark via email

Enter your address to get weekday blahg posts by email.

UPCOMING MBA APP DEADLINES

  • INSEAD Jan '22 Intake Rd 2
    in 1 month, 2 weeks, 1 day, 11 hours
  • (expected) HBS Class of 2024 app requirements released
    in 1 month, 4 weeks, 1 day, 12 hours
  • (expected) Columbia J-Term/ED app to open
    in 2 months, 3 weeks, 6 days, 12 hours
  • INSEAD Jan '22 Intake Rd 3
    in 3 months, 1 week, 3 days, 11 hours
   
From a BSer January 2020:
"love the guide books!"


CLASS OF 2023 MBA APPLICATION STRATEGY GUIDES

     
    The 2020 Berkeley-Haas MBA Application Guide - updated for the Class of 2023 application!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Berkeley Haas - refreshed and updated, with brainstorming exercises and structured maps to help you focus your stories!
   
    The 2020-2021 NYU Stern MBA Application Guide that covers the main essay, the EQ Endorsement and Pick Six!
SnarkStrategies Guide for NYU - discusses your requirements for the Class of 2023 essays!
   
    The 2020-2021 Columbia MBA Application Guide
SnarkStrategies Guide for Columbia Business School for 2020-2021 applications
   
    The 2020 Harvard MBA Application Guide - completely overhauled and updated for the coronavirus era!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Harvard Business School!
   
    The 2020-2021 Duke Essay Guide - covers the 25 Random Things essay and all the rest too!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Duke Fuqua - up to date for the current season!
   
    The 2020-2021 MIT Essay Guide covers the org chart, the contacts for two references, and additional tips for the cover letter and 'introduce yourself' video -- and everything else you need to know!
SnarkStrategies Guide for MIT Sloan MBA - totally revised for the Class of 2023!
   
    The 2020-2021 Tuck Essay Guide has been refreshed with latest insights and advice for your essays about "investing generously" and "why Tuck"!
SnarkStrategies Guide for the Dartmouth Tuck MBA - completely overhauled for 2020, to help you demonstrate how you are nice, aware, etc stuff!
   
    The Yale SOM MBA Application Guide for Class of 2023 candidates!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Yale SOM - updated for 2020-2021
   
    The 2020-2021 Chicago Booth MBA Application Guide - ready to go to support your Class of 2023 essay strategy!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Chicago Booth for this year's MBA app!
   
    The 2020 Wharton MBA Application Guide - even more advice on how to get to a win with those essays!
SnarkStrategies Guide for The Wharton School - with new tips for 2020!
   
    The 2020 Kellogg Essay Guide - with a full methodology to identify your 'lasting impact' and your 'values' -- plus tips on 2020 world events and applicability to your essays!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Kellogg MBA - updated and revised for the new realities of 2020!    
      The 2020 Stanford MBA Application Guide - for "what matters most" in your MBA application!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Stanford GSB for the Class of 2023
   
    The 2020-2021 UCLA Anderson MBA Application Guide - updated for Class of 2023 on "impact"!
SnarkStrategies Guide for 
UCLA
   
   

Brave Supplicants' latest reviews on The 'Snark


Feb 11, 2021
by hopeful on MBA Interview Prep: Custom Practice Questions
Helpful

Just wanted to say thank you for these questions! A lot of them were really tailored to my profile, ... Read more

Apr 10, 2020
by George on EssaySnark
Great Starting Point

I thought getting over the GRE/GMAT hurdle was fairly straightforward--disciplined study then test execution... Read more

Apr 10, 2020
by George on Single Shot Express MBA Essay Review
Worth Every Penny

I used the Single Shot Express to decimate essay #1 at my first-choice school. Paired with the school... Read more






Not sure where to begin with EssaySnark?
Our Snark Selector
will tell you!



What were we snarking about at this time in past years?

  • 2019: ($) Got a glitch with your grades? TAKE ACTION NOW!
  • 2019: ($) "What can I do to improve my chances?" Volunteering edition
  • 2018: Does it matter who the dean is? 2018 edition
  • 2018: ($) If you're on the Round 1 waitlist will you have a shot this year?
  • 2017: Prediction: Which schools will change their essay questions for Class of 2020?
  • 2016: Another little quiz
  • 2016: ($) When your safety school is actually a stretch school.
  • 2015: ($) Deciding on a school: Does location matter?
  • 2014: Speaking of starting early...
  • 2013: Success Story! "It's complicated..."
My Tweets

See the Top U.S. Business Schools on a Map!


EssaySnark is currently available! We're accepting new clients! Standard turnarounds apply. If you're in a hurry, Speedy Review is available!

EssaySnark® is a registered trademark. All content copyright © 2010–2021 Snarkolicious Press · Privacy Policy

Where should you start with EssaySnark?

Which EssaySnark service is right for you? Answer a few questions to find out!

This field must be set to Everyone - then in the Settings -> HTML -> After Fields screen there's JavaScript to hide it.
Sending