This was in a draft we reviewed sometime last season:
It will be and always has been very important for me to contribute as much as possible to the School Community I am studying at, being fully aware that as a part time student the opportunity to do so is limited. As mentioned in my CV, in my former school community I have been active in various functions.
Don’t force the reader to pick up the resume. They have asked you this question for a reason and they expect you to lay out your answer here, not tell them to go look somewhere else. They will already be referencing the resume in conjunction with your application so it’s not useful to make such comments like this. “As mentioned elsewhere” stuff is both distracting (“Hmmm, you mentioned it? I don’t remember.” It sets the reader off thinking about something else), plus extraneous (they already have everything so telling them that they have it seems redundant) and even a tiny bit bossy or scolding (“Are you telling me I should stop what I’m doing and go back? Or are you chastising me for not remembering what you already said, or do you think I should have your background memorized?”). None of these are reactions your reader will consciously have; instead, they’ll just cruise past those words without really stopping. BUT! If there are words your reader will cruise past, then that’s a prime indication that they’re not needed.
Also: “various functions”?
No “various” anything in your essays, or “misc.” or “etc.” either, while we’re at it.
Finally to the point that this person is saying they’re going for a part-time track and so “opportunity to get involved is limited.” Well….. We totally get the sentiment there, and yes it’s true, some schools have fewer opportunities for the part-time students to participate in the full-time student activities, just based on limited time that they’re on campus, and the fact that a lot of the full-time events and meetings are scheduled during the day. That’s a logistical challenge and a drawback of going for a part-time MBA while you’re holding down a full-time job at the same time.
But look at how that’s phrased. It’s almost like the BSer is saying that they won’t get a chance to participate because they’re part-time, which for most schools is not the case at all. The schools invite all students for all things (with some exceptions by program, but those tend to be few). So, if we’re being precise in our language, a better way to say it would be “as a part time student
the MY opportunity to do so is WILL BE limited.” Two tiny changes, but can you see what a difference in tone and feeling it creates?
Yup, word choice matters. Think carefully of what you’re trying to say. Then say it. Then go back over it again later, to make sure that what it says is what you really meant.
Tell us what you think.