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Make Your Essays Great Again

July 4, 2017 by EssaySnark Leave a Comment

In honor of the founding of our great country of America, we offer you this broadcast from Snarkville today, Independence Day. We hope you’re out there having barbeques and picnics and parades, all American Brave Supplicants! The Fourth of July is traditionally our YOU NEED TO GET STARTED ON YOUR ESSAYS, STAT!! milestone, however you can knuckle down on all of that stuff tomorrow. For today, enjoy the fireworks! And we will leave you with this little speech, adapted and modified from its source , which seemed appropriate in honor of the season.
 

Chief Justice Roberts, President Carter, President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, fellow Americans, and people of the world: Thank you.

We, the citizens of Snarkville, are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild the essays and to restore their promise for all Brave Supplicants.
Together, we will determine the course of your essays and your apps for the season to come.

You will face challenges. You will confront hardships. But you will get the job done.

Every July Fourth, we gather on these steps to say the same thing: Get started on your essays.

Today’s ceremony, however, has very special meaning. Because today we are not merely transferring knowledge from one snarky blahgger in Snarkville out to the anonymous internet, but we are transferring knowledge to this computer screen, and giving it to you, the Brave Supplicants.

Starting right here, and right now, this moment is your moment: it belongs to you.

It belongs to everyone gathered here today and everyone watching all across Snarkville. This is your day. This is your celebration. And this, the United Snark of America, is your country.

What truly matters is not which school you choose to apply to, but whether those schools are excited by your essays. July 4th, 2017, will be remembered as the day that you became the ruler of your MBA app strategy. The forgotten BSers of our country will be forgotten no longer.

Adcoms want great applications for their schools, good GMAT scores for their classes, and good students for themselves. These are the just and reasonable demands of a righteous admissions office.

But for too many of our BSers, a different reality exists: Poorly written essays shoot down their chances. Unclear messaging clogs their drafts. Two-page resumes make the adcoms groan.

This essay carnage stops right here and stops right now.

We are one Snarkville — and BSers’ pain is our pain. Their dreams are our dreams; and their success will be our success. We share one heart, one home, and one glorious destiny.

The oath of office we take today is an oath of allegiance to all Brave Supplicants.

From this day forward, a new vision will govern your apps.

From this moment on, it’s going to be Good Essays First.

Every decision on schools, on stories, on examples, on optional essays, will be made to benefit your app strategy. We must protect our applications from the ravages of other readers reading them, making bad suggestions, swaying our judgment. Protection will lead to great prosperity and strength.

Reapplicants will start winning again, winning like never before.

We will build new strategy guides, and blahg posts, and App Accelerators, and Essay Decimators, all across our wonderful website.

We will get Brave Supplicants off of Facebook and back to work — rebuilding their essays with their hands and their labor.

We will seek friendship and goodwill with the adcoms of the world — but we do so with the understanding that it is the right of all BSers to put their own interests first.

We do not seek to impose our way of snark on anyone, but rather to let it shine as an example for everyone to follow.

At the bedrock of your essays will be a total allegiance to the Strategy of Authenticity, and through our loyalty to being honest, we will discover that yes, you are good enough to get in. With better essays.

We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreements honestly, but always pursue solidarity.

When Snarkville is united, Brave Supplicants are totally unstoppable.

Finally, we must think big and dream even bigger.

We will no longer accept BSers who are all talk and no action — constantly complaining but never doing anything about it.

The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action.

Do not let anyone tell you it cannot be done. No challenge can match the heart and fight and spirit of BSers.

We will not fail. Your applications will thrive and prosper again.

We stand at the birth of a new season, ready to unlock the mysteries of essay prompts, to free the adcoms from the miseries of bad writing, and to harness the energies, industries and technologies of tomorrow.

So to all BSers, in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, and from ocean to ocean, hear these words: You will never be unprepared again.

Your voice, your hopes, and your dreams will define your MBA destiny. And your courage and goodness and love will forever guide us along the way.
Together, we will make your essays strong again.

We will make essays wealthy again.

We will make essays proud again.

We will make essays safe again.

And yes, together, we will make your essays great again. Thank you. God bless you. And God bless America.

 
 
 

In case you can’t tell by this ridiculous post, Team EssaySnark is off for the U.S. holiday today. Be safe!

 
 

Filed Under: miscellaneous

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So who the heck is EssaySnark, anyway?!

We're the snarky experts in MBA admissions!

Sometimes amused and often appalled by what candidates write in their MBA applications to top bschools, EssaySnark created this little blahg to share common mistakes. Learn from them and avoid making admissions directors laugh (or want to hurl) when they read your essays. If you are hoping to have your essay reviewed anonymously on the blahg for free, submit it for consideration.

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CLASS OF 2025 MBA APPLICATION STRATEGY GUIDES

From a former BSer:
"love the guide books!"




    The 2022 Stanford MBA Application Guide - for "what matters most" in your MBA application!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Stanford GSB for the Class of 2025
   
    The 2022 Harvard MBA Application Guide - updated for the Class of 2025!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Harvard Business School!
   
  The 2022 Wharton MBA Application Guide - even more advice on how to get to a win with those essays!
SnarkStrategies Guide for The Wharton School - with clear guidance for the 2022 essays!
   
  The 2022-2023 Columbia MBA Application Guide
SnarkStrategies Guide for Columbia Business School for 2022-2023 applications
   
    The 2022 MIT Essay Guide covers the org chart, the cover letter and 'introduce yourself' video, plus the new optional short-answer question on "the world you come from" -- and everything else you need to know!
SnarkStrategies Guide for MIT Sloan MBA - totally revised for the Class of 2025!
   
    The 2022 Kellogg Essay Guide - with a full methodology to identify your 'lasting impact' and your 'values'
SnarkStrategies Guide for Kellogg MBA - revised for 2022!
   
    The 2022 UVA Darden MBA Application Guide gives insights on the essays, Early Action, the possibility of a test waiver, and everything else going on here!
SnarkStrategies Guide for the Darden MBA - updated for the Class of 2025 requirements!
   
   
The Yale SOM MBA Application Guide for Class of 2025 candidates!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Yale SOM - updated for 2022
   
    The 2022 Berkeley-Haas MBA Application Guide - updated for the Class of 2025 application!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Berkeley Haas - refreshed and updated, with brainstorming exercises and structured maps to help you focus your stories!
   
    The 2022-2023 NYU Stern MBA Application Guide that covers the essays, the EQ Endorsement and test strategies!
SnarkStrategies Guide for NYU - discusses your requirements for the Class of 2025 essays!
       
   
   
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