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Make Your Essays Great Again

July 4, 2017 by EssaySnark Leave a Comment

In honor of the founding of our great country of America, we offer you this broadcast from Snarkville today, Independence Day. We hope you’re out there having barbeques and picnics and parades, all American Brave Supplicants! The Fourth of July is traditionally our YOU NEED TO GET STARTED ON YOUR ESSAYS, STAT!! milestone, however you can knuckle down on all of that stuff tomorrow. For today, enjoy the fireworks! And we will leave you with this little speech, adapted and modified from its source , which seemed appropriate in honor of the season.
 

Chief Justice Roberts, President Carter, President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, fellow Americans, and people of the world: Thank you.

We, the citizens of Snarkville, are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild the essays and to restore their promise for all Brave Supplicants.
Together, we will determine the course of your essays and your apps for the season to come.

You will face challenges. You will confront hardships. But you will get the job done.

Every July Fourth, we gather on these steps to say the same thing: Get started on your essays.

Today’s ceremony, however, has very special meaning. Because today we are not merely transferring knowledge from one snarky blahgger in Snarkville out to the anonymous internet, but we are transferring knowledge to this computer screen, and giving it to you, the Brave Supplicants.

Starting right here, and right now, this moment is your moment: it belongs to you.

It belongs to everyone gathered here today and everyone watching all across Snarkville. This is your day. This is your celebration. And this, the United Snark of America, is your country.

What truly matters is not which school you choose to apply to, but whether those schools are excited by your essays. July 4th, 2017, will be remembered as the day that you became the ruler of your MBA app strategy. The forgotten BSers of our country will be forgotten no longer.

Adcoms want great applications for their schools, good GMAT scores for their classes, and good students for themselves. These are the just and reasonable demands of a righteous admissions office.

But for too many of our BSers, a different reality exists: Poorly written essays shoot down their chances. Unclear messaging clogs their drafts. Two-page resumes make the adcoms groan.

This essay carnage stops right here and stops right now.

We are one Snarkville — and BSers’ pain is our pain. Their dreams are our dreams; and their success will be our success. We share one heart, one home, and one glorious destiny.

The oath of office we take today is an oath of allegiance to all Brave Supplicants.

From this day forward, a new vision will govern your apps.

From this moment on, it’s going to be Good Essays First.

Every decision on schools, on stories, on examples, on optional essays, will be made to benefit your app strategy. We must protect our applications from the ravages of other readers reading them, making bad suggestions, swaying our judgment. Protection will lead to great prosperity and strength.

Reapplicants will start winning again, winning like never before.

We will build new strategy guides, and blahg posts, and App Accelerators, and Essay Decimators, all across our wonderful website.

We will get Brave Supplicants off of Facebook and back to work — rebuilding their essays with their hands and their labor.

We will seek friendship and goodwill with the adcoms of the world — but we do so with the understanding that it is the right of all BSers to put their own interests first.

We do not seek to impose our way of snark on anyone, but rather to let it shine as an example for everyone to follow.

At the bedrock of your essays will be a total allegiance to the Strategy of Authenticity, and through our loyalty to being honest, we will discover that yes, you are good enough to get in. With better essays.

We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreements honestly, but always pursue solidarity.

When Snarkville is united, Brave Supplicants are totally unstoppable.

Finally, we must think big and dream even bigger.

We will no longer accept BSers who are all talk and no action — constantly complaining but never doing anything about it.

The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action.

Do not let anyone tell you it cannot be done. No challenge can match the heart and fight and spirit of BSers.

We will not fail. Your applications will thrive and prosper again.

We stand at the birth of a new season, ready to unlock the mysteries of essay prompts, to free the adcoms from the miseries of bad writing, and to harness the energies, industries and technologies of tomorrow.

So to all BSers, in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, and from ocean to ocean, hear these words: You will never be unprepared again.

Your voice, your hopes, and your dreams will define your MBA destiny. And your courage and goodness and love will forever guide us along the way.
Together, we will make your essays strong again.

We will make essays wealthy again.

We will make essays proud again.

We will make essays safe again.

And yes, together, we will make your essays great again. Thank you. God bless you. And God bless America.

 
 
 

In case you can’t tell by this ridiculous post, Team EssaySnark is off for the U.S. holiday today. Be safe!

 
 

Filed Under: miscellaneous

« Previous: ($) It’s not an essay-writing contest. It’s a research and how-well-you-know-yourself contest.
Next: ($) How many times taking the GMAT is too many? »

So who the heck is EssaySnark, anyway?!

We're the snarky experts in MBA admissions!

Sometimes amused and often appalled by what candidates write in their MBA applications to top bschools, EssaySnark created this little blahg to share common mistakes. Learn from them and avoid making admissions directors laugh (or want to hurl) when they read your essays. If you are hoping to have your essay reviewed anonymously on the blahg for free, submit it for consideration.

Want EssaySnark's personal assistance with your MBA applications? Start with our menu of consulting services and please read the Help FAQ to learn how we operate. Still have questions after doing all that? Email Team EssaySnark at gethelpnow at essaysnark dot com.

Good luck on your apps, Brave Supplicant!

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UPCOMING MBA APP DEADLINES

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From a BSer January 2020:
"love the guide books!"


CLASS OF 2023 MBA APPLICATION STRATEGY GUIDES

     
    The 2020 Berkeley-Haas MBA Application Guide - updated for the Class of 2023 application!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Berkeley Haas - refreshed and updated, with brainstorming exercises and structured maps to help you focus your stories!
   
    The 2020-2021 NYU Stern MBA Application Guide that covers the main essay, the EQ Endorsement and Pick Six!
SnarkStrategies Guide for NYU - discusses your requirements for the Class of 2023 essays!
   
    The 2020-2021 Columbia MBA Application Guide
SnarkStrategies Guide for Columbia Business School for 2020-2021 applications
   
    The 2020 Harvard MBA Application Guide - completely overhauled and updated for the coronavirus era!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Harvard Business School!
   
    The 2020-2021 Duke Essay Guide - covers the 25 Random Things essay and all the rest too!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Duke Fuqua - up to date for the current season!
   
    The 2020-2021 MIT Essay Guide covers the org chart, the contacts for two references, and additional tips for the cover letter and 'introduce yourself' video -- and everything else you need to know!
SnarkStrategies Guide for MIT Sloan MBA - totally revised for the Class of 2023!
   
    The 2020-2021 Tuck Essay Guide has been refreshed with latest insights and advice for your essays about "investing generously" and "why Tuck"!
SnarkStrategies Guide for the Dartmouth Tuck MBA - completely overhauled for 2020, to help you demonstrate how you are nice, aware, etc stuff!
   
    The Yale SOM MBA Application Guide for Class of 2023 candidates!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Yale SOM - updated for 2020-2021
   
    The 2020-2021 Chicago Booth MBA Application Guide - ready to go to support your Class of 2023 essay strategy!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Chicago Booth for this year's MBA app!
   
    The 2020 Wharton MBA Application Guide - even more advice on how to get to a win with those essays!
SnarkStrategies Guide for The Wharton School - with new tips for 2020!
   
    The 2020 Kellogg Essay Guide - with a full methodology to identify your 'lasting impact' and your 'values' -- plus tips on 2020 world events and applicability to your essays!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Kellogg MBA - updated and revised for the new realities of 2020!    
      The 2020 Stanford MBA Application Guide - for "what matters most" in your MBA application!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Stanford GSB for the Class of 2023
   
    The 2020-2021 UCLA Anderson MBA Application Guide - updated for Class of 2023 on "impact"!
SnarkStrategies Guide for 
UCLA
   
   

Brave Supplicants' latest reviews on The 'Snark


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What were we snarking about at this time in past years?

  • 2020: ($) What about Round 3?
  • 2017: ($) You got the interview!! So what are you going to wear???
  • 2016: ($) The other school that may still be viable for an app this season.
  • 2016: ($) Applying to bschool right now is foolish. Unless you're thinking of ...
  • 2015: A reminder of what to expect with Harvard interview invites tomorrow
  • 2015: Does it matter who the dean is?
  • 2014: Entrepreneurship at Columbia: One student's report
  • 2012: Interview help now available!
  • 2012: The SnarkStrategies Interviewing Guide is now available!
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