Think you know what needs to go into a good MBA admissions essay?
Great – here’s your chance to show off.
We’re posting the first few paragraphs of the main Duke essay today. Anyone who’s interested in offering some feedback to this BSer is invited to do so in the comments. You can post anonymously, and you don’t even have to be a paying member of this here blahg. All (polite) comments are welcome.
As a reminder, here’s Fuqua’s essay question:
When asked by your family, friends, and colleagues why you want to go to Duke, what do you tell them? Share the reasons that are most meaningful to you.
And here’s what we got:
What if we don’t have to use cash or credit card to pay our bills, but can use our smartphones instead? What if when we try on a shirt at the shopping mall, we don’t hurry to purchase it but scan the barcode and instantly order it online at the lowest price. What if we could regulate the air-conditioner in the house, while we are driving home. This is the era of ”Mobile Internet”. Internet is changing everyone’s daily life. A historical opportunity is approaching towards us. We shall seize it.
What on earth is the true driver of this industry? As the youngest regional manager in this leading internet company, I thought marketing is the most efficient way to help the company move forward. However, a product totally changed my mind. The rapid growth of League of Legends (LOL-hottest PC game worldwide with over 6 million users online simultaneously) has exceeded everyone’s expectation and brought unprecedented benefits for Tencent. This kind of radical development and popularity for a product in such a limited time is indeed rare. In the process of regional management, I have witnessed this “miracle”: Less than2 years ago, our cooperators have to introduce this unknown new product to the internet café users and provide some extra rewards to attract users to experience the game. But now, LOL has been more than a game. It’s a part of culture and life. We can find it at subway advertisement, radio broadcasting, TV, and shopping malls. Why does this specific product score such a phenomenon performance, since we marketed every singular product with almost equal share of devote.
That’s just the first part. We don’t want to overwhelm all of you novice Essay Commentator Extraordinaires with too much to ingest in one go.
And, so? What do you think? We have plenty we could say about this but it would be awesome to hear some of your comments first, BSers. Remember, be polite and productive in your feedback; all snarking privileges are already taken by Yours Truly. We won’t hesitate to delete anything that’s out of line. You can be critical if you see fit but do so in a constructive fashion, please.
And we have another motivation in posting this too too: We’ve got an official new offering of Crowd-Sourced Essay Reviews – where these peer-review things’re done privately, in a closed forum here on the site – but many BSers are being shy in those forums and not diving in with their own stuff. So today’s post is an effort to a) show you how easy this is – make some comments, say what you think! and b) hopefully get the pipes flowing over in the private forums too… After all, those Round 2 deadlines are going to be here before ya know it! If you’ve got an essay written, then submit it for comments from others. If you have not, then reviewing what others have written can be a great way to get your feet wet. Exercise those critical thinking skills, Brave Supplicant! Dust off the essay writing tools and see if you can contribute a bit to someone’s process!