EssaySnark

  • about
  • contact
  • help
  • sign up
  • login
CLICK FOR MORE!
  • Essay Questions
    • Harvard
    • Stanford
    • Wharton
    • Chicago Booth
    • Kellogg
    • MIT Sloan
    • Tuck
    • NYU Stern
    • Columbia
    • Yale SOM
    • Berkeley Haas
    • UVA Darden
    • Duke Fuqua
    • Michigan Ross
    • UCLA Anderson
    • Cornell
  • Strategy Guides
    • MBA Reapplicant Guide
    • Pitching Entrepreneurship as Your Post-MBA Career
    • Applying to European Business Schools
    • School-Specific MBA Application Guides
      • Harvard 2022 MBA Strategy Guide
      • Stanford 2022 MBA Strategy Guide
      • Wharton 2022 MBA Strategy Guide
      • Kellogg 2022 MBA Strategy Guide
      • Chicago Booth 2022 MBA Strategy Guide
      • Columbia 2022 MBA Strategy Guide
      • *MORE SCHOOL-SPECIFIC GUIDES HERE*
  • MBA Consulting
  • My SnarkCenter
    • My Strategy Guides
    • My Favorite Posts

Crowd-sourcing an essay critique for Duke

November 11, 2013 by EssaySnark - Discusses Duke Fuqua 9 Comments

Think you know what needs to go into a good MBA admissions essay?

Great – here’s your chance to show off.

We’re posting the first few paragraphs of the main Duke essay today. Anyone who’s interested in offering some feedback to this BSer is invited to do so in the comments. You can post anonymously, and you don’t even have to be a paying member of this here blahg. All (polite) comments are welcome.

As a reminder, here’s Fuqua’s essay question:

When asked by your family, friends, and colleagues why you want to go to Duke, what do you tell them? Share the reasons that are most meaningful to you.

And here’s what we got:

What if we don’t have to use cash or credit card to pay our bills, but can use our smartphones instead? What if when we try on a shirt at the shopping mall, we don’t hurry to purchase it but scan the barcode and instantly order it online at the lowest price. What if we could regulate the air-conditioner in the house, while we are driving home. This is the era of ”Mobile Internet”. Internet is changing everyone’s daily life. A historical opportunity is approaching towards us. We shall seize it.

What on earth is the true driver of this industry? As the youngest regional manager in this leading internet company, I thought marketing is the most efficient way to help the company move forward. However, a product totally changed my mind. The rapid growth of League of Legends (LOL-hottest PC game worldwide with over 6 million users online simultaneously) has exceeded everyone’s expectation and brought unprecedented benefits for Tencent. This kind of radical development and popularity for a product in such a limited time is indeed rare. In the process of regional management, I have witnessed this “miracle”: Less than2 years ago, our cooperators have to introduce this unknown new product to the internet café users and provide some extra rewards to attract users to experience the game. But now, LOL has been more than a game. It’s a part of culture and life. We can find it at subway advertisement, radio broadcasting, TV, and shopping malls. Why does this specific product score such a phenomenon performance, since we marketed every singular product with almost equal share of devote.

…

That’s just the first part. We don’t want to overwhelm all of you novice Essay Commentator Extraordinaires with too much to ingest in one go.

And, so? What do you think? We have plenty we could say about this but it would be awesome to hear some of your comments first, BSers. Remember, be polite and productive in your feedback; all snarking privileges are already taken by Yours Truly. We won’t hesitate to delete anything that’s out of line. You can be critical if you see fit but do so in a constructive fashion, please.

And we have another motivation in posting this too too: We’ve got an official new offering of Crowd-Sourced Essay Reviews – where these peer-review things’re done privately, in a closed forum here on the site – but many BSers are being shy in those forums and not diving in with their own stuff. So today’s post is an effort to a) show you how easy this is – make some comments, say what you think! and b) hopefully get the pipes flowing over in the private forums too… After all, those Round 2 deadlines are going to be here before ya know it! If you’ve got an essay written, then submit it for comments from others. If you have not, then reviewing what others have written can be a great way to get your feet wet. Exercise those critical thinking skills, Brave Supplicant! Dust off the essay writing tools and see if you can contribute a bit to someone’s process!

Filed Under: writing essays Bschools: Duke Fuqua

« Previous: We were gonna do an NYU essay critique today…
Next: “It’s only worth it if I go to Harvard or Stanford…” »

So who the heck is EssaySnark, anyway?!

We're the snarky experts in MBA admissions!

Sometimes amused and often appalled by what candidates write in their MBA applications to top bschools, EssaySnark created this little blahg to share common mistakes. Learn from them and avoid making admissions directors laugh (or want to hurl) when they read your essays. If you are hoping to have your essay reviewed anonymously on the blahg for free, submit it for consideration.

Want EssaySnark's personal assistance with your MBA applications? Start with our menu of consulting services and please read the Help FAQ to learn how we operate. Still have questions after doing all that? Email Team EssaySnark at gethelpnow at essaysnark dot com.

Good luck on your apps, Brave Supplicant!

Here's what others have said about this:

  1. vishwa_hegde says

    November 11, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    I think the BSer has misread the question. Nearly a page in writing, but no mention of the school whatsoever. Not even a single word about the school. Narcissistic? Tsk tsk

    Reply
    • DJOnion says

      November 12, 2013 at 6:16 am

      Completely agree, I had to go back to the question to make sure that I hadn’t misread it. I would much rather see an answer to the question within the first few sentences – then a more detailed response further on.

      This looks like an answer to another question for another school. Stanford essay 1 perhaps?

      Reply
  2. cheekyone says

    November 11, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    Would have been helpful to have some idea of the word limit for this essay. If you remove away the frills, the question is, Why Duke? The writer is trying to use these 2 paras to eventually (I hope) connect to some big idea and Fuqua. There are a couple of “pearls” in there which could be used to set up the essay in about 50-70 words (not 270). Also, there a few grammatical mistakes in para 2 but not sure if para 2 needs to be there.
    It is still early days and such missteps are typical of early drafts. However, I cringe when an essay is used to sell some professional “achievement” – like in this case, “as the youngest regional manager….” leave that to your sweet recommenders or if you do say it, do so in a humble(r) way.
    Broad-strokes – Use this essay to share meaningful interactions with alums/current students that really showed to you this is the place you want to spend 2 years, professors/courses, experiences etc. Maybe he/she does it in para 3 and beyond.

    Reply
    • essaysnark says

      November 11, 2013 at 11:26 pm

      @cheekyone, length limit for this one is two pages, double spaced. This BSer submitted 865 words total and what we posted today took up about 2/3 of the first page.

      Reply
  3. liontennis02 says

    November 11, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    I have to agree with vishwa_hedge – this is a Why Duke? question combine with a values/family question. Yet this essay answers neither so far. Grammar is iffy and syntax is worse. The biggest issue, though, is that this just screams “copy and paste,” which is DEFINITELY not going to get you into Duke. I’d probably scrap the whole thing and start with anew with a different approach.

    Reply
  4. prodizy says

    November 12, 2013 at 9:44 am

    The question asks for reasons. The answers are written as a puzzle to the reader. It is testing the reader whether he or she can deduce the reasons from those paragraphs or not.

    One MAY deduce from the first para that BSer wants to go to Duke as he or she wants to seize an opportunity. And second para MAY indicate that BSer wants to attend Duke to understand a miracle.

    My suggestion would be to list out the real reasons why the BSer wants to go to Duke and then build a theme around it. Bser is building a theme, but the reasons are not coming out clearly.

    Just my two cents.

    Prodizy

    Reply
  5. essaysnark says

    November 12, 2013 at 10:34 pm

    EssaySnark agrees with many of the comments left here (although really, “narcissistic”? was that necessary, vishwa_hegde?). We’re also pleased to see at least one new essay was posted on the Crowd-Sourced forum since this went up (a “significant accomplishment” essay for ISB).

    @prodizy, your feedback is spot-on, and we need to emphasize the reality that the reader of a bschool application essay (also known as the “adcom”) will NOT make any deductions or dot-connections or other erstwhile interpretations of what you’re trying to say.

    To all BSers everywhere: You must say what you are trying to say. Directly and concisely.

    As DJOnion said: Please answer the question – ideally in the first sentence or so!!

    To the BSer whose essay we posted: Once you rewrite this baby, if you want to post your first two paragraphs here in the comments, we’d be interested to see where you take things.

    Thanks everyone for commenting thus far!

    EssaySnark

    Reply
  6. slessor* says

    November 18, 2013 at 11:34 am

    To the BSer who wrote this essay, would you comfortably read the first two paragraphs out aloud to your:
    1. friends?
    2. family?
    3. colleagues?

    Reply
    • essaysnark says

      November 18, 2013 at 8:49 pm

      That’s an excellent test for many essays – this one especially.

      If you sound stiff or stilted when reading the essay aloud, then you know it’s not in your authentic voice.

      This essay question in particular MUST be authentic.

      Great advice, @slessor.

      EssaySnark

      Reply

Tell us what you think. Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

UPCOMING MBA APP DEADLINES

  • (expected) Columbia J-Term/ED app to open
    in 0 weeks
  • INSEAD Jan '24 Intake Rd 3
    in 3 weeks
  • INSEAD Jan '24 Intake Rd 4
    in 2 months, 0 weeks
  • Harvard Round 1: Sept. 6
    in 3 months, 0 weeks
  • Harvard Round 1: Sept. 6
    in 3 months, 0 weeks
  • Stanford Rd 1: Sept. 12
    in 3 months, 1 week
  • Columbia J-Term: Sept 13
    in 3 months, 1 week
  • Wharton Round 2
    in 6 months, 4 weeks
  • Harvard Round 2 (FINAL HBS RD!)
    in 6 months, 4 weeks
  • Stanford Round 2
    in 6 months, 4 weeks
   
   

CLASS OF 2025 MBA APPLICATION STRATEGY GUIDES

From a former BSer:
"love the guide books!"




    The 2022 Stanford MBA Application Guide - for "what matters most" in your MBA application!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Stanford GSB for the Class of 2025
   
    The 2022 Harvard MBA Application Guide - updated for the Class of 2025!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Harvard Business School!
   
  The 2022 Wharton MBA Application Guide - even more advice on how to get to a win with those essays!
SnarkStrategies Guide for The Wharton School - with clear guidance for the 2022 essays!
   
  The 2022-2023 Columbia MBA Application Guide
SnarkStrategies Guide for Columbia Business School for 2022-2023 applications
   
    The 2022 MIT Essay Guide covers the org chart, the cover letter and 'introduce yourself' video, plus the new optional short-answer question on "the world you come from" -- and everything else you need to know!
SnarkStrategies Guide for MIT Sloan MBA - totally revised for the Class of 2025!
   
    The 2022 Kellogg Essay Guide - with a full methodology to identify your 'lasting impact' and your 'values'
SnarkStrategies Guide for Kellogg MBA - revised for 2022!
   
    The 2022 UVA Darden MBA Application Guide gives insights on the essays, Early Action, the possibility of a test waiver, and everything else going on here!
SnarkStrategies Guide for the Darden MBA - updated for the Class of 2025 requirements!
   
   
The Yale SOM MBA Application Guide for Class of 2025 candidates!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Yale SOM - updated for 2022
   
    The 2022 Berkeley-Haas MBA Application Guide - updated for the Class of 2025 application!
SnarkStrategies Guide for Berkeley Haas - refreshed and updated, with brainstorming exercises and structured maps to help you focus your stories!
   
    The 2022-2023 NYU Stern MBA Application Guide that covers the essays, the EQ Endorsement and test strategies!
SnarkStrategies Guide for NYU - discusses your requirements for the Class of 2025 essays!
       
   

EssaySnark® is a registered trademark. All content copyright © 2010–2023 Snarkolicious Press · Privacy Policy