IMPORTANT: THIS POST WAS WRITTEN FOR 2013. The 2014 Columbia questions are almost identical (especially this first one), so this post is still very relevant - but there are nuances that must be accounted for. Please proceed accordingly!
We’ve got a couple of essays that were submitted for freebie reviews quite some time ago and we apologize to the patient BSers who’ve been waiting to see if we’d post them. We’ve got one for Columbia essay 1 today and hopefully one for Stanford coming soon too. Here we go. The question: Given your…
While much of the blahg is available completely for free, the content here is reserved for members with full blahg access only ($9.95/month for six months, cancel anytime). Please login to view this content or purchase a membership.
mnlux says
Not sure if it’s just the english but a lot of it is non-sequitur… Just the first paragraph we go from cars in China to American University to job – I think there should be a better way to link all of this and make it sound more interesting/lively. Same thing with the experiences, there’s a lot of good stuff in there but it all feels a bit disconnected. Overall I’d say that for something that takes half your essay we (or the adcom) don’t have a feel of why you’re fit for an MBA, or even why you want an MBA at all. The experiences are more daily examples than big picture lessons and don’t really show your global skills.
Thanks for doing this btw, I’m currently drafting that essay and it is HARD!
tm4733 says
^^ Agreed.
Also, I feel this draft is more in the weeds with information that could be obtained from the BSer’s resume. The BSer should focus more on demonstrating his impact / learnings through each of his experiences and build a logical transition to why MBA now, and why Columbia.
Thanks for posting, and looking forward to your comments on the BSer’s draft.
DJOnion says
With a bit of tidying up, I think that the first para is useful as it quickly shows the background of the BSer and a logical transition to making an impact straight out of university (I get the impression that this person is a leader and makes things happen).
The second para seems a bit stagnant, I get no warm feeling that anything this person did in the last 6 years was beyond their job description and the tangible result (sales champ) is not quantified; what did the BSer do to help win?
I have just begun the initial phases of my application but I feel that the need for an MBA from Columbia needs to jump out of the page and scream in your face.
qshdz* says
Great feedback! I agree – this BSer could quickly show some tangible results in the second para and demonstrate how he stayed true to his heart though job changes, and leave about 300+ words to talk about the need for an MBA and why Columbia, the specific soft skills and hard skills the person is trying to learn. That will probably be a better balance.
Vucla says
I agree about quantifying the results would make the second paragraph more effective. However, I’m not sure that the paragraph belongs in this essay to begin with. It sounds like this BSer has some impressive accomplishments, but words are being spent on rehashing the resume instead of answering the question.
As DJOnion wrote, “the need for an MBA from Columbia needs to jump out of the page and scream in your face”. Columbia should be mentioned much earlier, and the need for an MBA needs to be much clearer. Why the transition into management consulting? Why now? Why Columbia? How will an MBA help? I would urge this BSer to refocus on the question being asked and trust that the adcom will be familiar with these accomplishments from the resume.
qshdz* says
“I would urge this BSer to refocus on the question being asked and trust that the adcom will be familiar with these accomplishments from the resume.” Well said Vucla! I think some background needs to be laid out (such as the information in first para) to point out how past experiences led to the need of an MBA now (or the short-term post-MBA goal), and because this BSer mentioned that he worked for another two companies, I think it is beneficial to explain a bit of the reason (and while explaining, show off the quantifiable results) why this person worked for 3 companies in 6 years and now is ready for an MBA. But definitely should try to mention CBS as early as possible.
DJOnion says
“I would urge this BSer to refocus on the question being asked and trust that the adcom will be familiar with these accomplishments from the resume.” QFE
essaysnark says
@DJOnion what is QFE?
essaysnark says
Sheesh you made us Google it??
essaysnark says
OK here’s what we think: You’re all right. Sort of.
Yes, this BSer definitely needs to focus more on the question at hand – but at the same time, everything provided is at least tangentially relevant. The problem plays in when we realize that this is a 500-word essay. Columbia used to allow 750 words for this (Haas used to allow 1,000!!!). With more space, then we could be more permissive of these two paragraphs, since they do actually give a (partial) answer to the “given your individual background” and “at this time” elements that the school is asking about.
They want to know:
1. Why do you need an MBA? (restate short-term goal from your 100-char answer)
2. Why are you prepared for this? Why does this goal make sense for you? (at least some of what BSer had fits this)
3. Why do you want to go to Columbia? (remember that essay 2 can fill this too)
Our advice? FOCUS ON **RECENT** ACCOMPLISHMENTS & CAREER HIGHLIGHTS THAT SHOW HOW **NOW** IS THE TIME FOR THE MBA.
The stuff about growing up in China and the project at school? Nah. Not useful. The first sentence actually is in the “interesting” category – given that most Americans cannot even imagine living in a place where the main mode of transport is the bicycle, this actually is a nice opening for context, it shows where this BSer is coming from (literally). And it helps to understand the Chinese origins re: the writing thing we went into originally.
There’s also some good points: “I knew in my heart that I wanted to do [industry] plus marketing” – this is basically the BSer’s application theme, it is worth stating it like that. That sentence encapsulates this person’s background in a nice way.
But nobody pointed out the disconnect: WHY IN HECK ARE YOU GOING INTO MANAGEMENT CONSULTING THEN?
That needs to be fixed. We’re not saying you can’t have that background + this goal however you need to iron these things out a bit better.
To the BSer if they are around: Cut down these first two paragraphs to a single paragraph, tops. Some of your peers have offered some good advice in this thread. And please, everybody, do another pass of proofreading (or two!) before submitting stuff to the ‘Snark. (That means paying clients too – you guys know who you are.) We’d much prefer to be adding value on the strategy side of this donkey than messing around with the @*#(^%! stuff.
We’ll continue to monitor the comments if anyone has anything else to contribute.
qshdz* says
Good analysis Snark, I think this BSer does have an interesting story to tell, and combined with his background, he should also talk a bit about his vision (why mgmt consulting, in this case), and how does an MBA helps him to get there in 2 years. After that it’s the standard school stuff (visits, class, field study, start-up opps, NYC, etc) that is relevant to this BSer’s specific background and career goal.